Spoonie Broken Heart

Hello gorgeous/handsome,

I got out of the hospital yesterday and I’m in so much pain right now I probably shouldn’t even be writing. The past couple of weeks have been filled with doctors appointments and tests (some of them very painful). And one of the most awful flare-ups of lupus and fibromyalgia happening just as I was feeling good about the recent progress I was making. A pain flare-up today doesn’t mean I was not in pain yesterday, it just means my daily pain is multiplied by twenty. I had a brief respite enjoying a night of dancing and music in the park on Friday. But now, I’m back to being in excruciating pain. I took a sleeping pill/strong pain pill last night knowing it might screw up my semi-sleep schedule because the pain was just too tremendous. I needed to sleep through it. Problem is when I woke up, the pain was there again. Now, I’ve been here before. And I’ll be here again. This is like round 1,000 of Steph vs. Lupus/Fibro.

And I know I’ll get through this. At some point, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe two weeks from now, this flare-up will end. One thing I realized this week is that living with chronic illness is like getting your heart broken again.  Over and over.

Like Groundhog’s Day

Imagine some of the worst moments in your life-the ones that led you to open a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watch TV in bed for a week. Maybe it was the messy breakup when your relationship ended in a restaurant or text. Maybe your boss laid you off. Or maybe you left a job you had forever because your boss and coworkers were toxic. Or the time you realized a friendship was over. You might have taken steps to move on like unfriending your ex on Facebook, deleting certain contacts from your phone, or learning new skills so you could get a job you like. Depending on what you could control, you tried your best to make your life better. But what if you were forced to relive those moments again and again? What if you got laid off every Monday like it was Groundhog’s Day? That would probably drive you nuts.

Illness Knows No Boundaries

The thing with chronic illness is that I can’t just move on. I cannot extract myself from this toxic situation. I can’t draw boundaries; the lupus or the fibromyalgia or the PVC’s, the gastroparesis, or any number of my 20 diagnoses, will come for me. In fact, they’re here every single day. I try my best and I have great moments, sometimes great days even. But I’m still in pain everyday. If you’re a healthy person reading this who wonders why/how your sick friend has changed, it’s because chronic pain breaks our hearts again and again. We try our best with doctors’ appointments, physical therapy, different treatments, and so forth- but we’re still forced to relive some of our worst moments.

XO

Steph

When life gives you shit…

   Please don’t mistake this post as being hypocritical to the name of my blog. It’s ok to have bad days. Last weekend and this week has just been rough for me. My body is in a flare which consists of extreme fatigue…so much so that you know you’re tired when if you can brush your teeth, you have to sit down. Along with this fatigue, severe pain, and constant vomiting. 

But, regardless of how badly I feel, I realize I live with GUILT.  So on top of my symptoms and pain, I’m beating myself up on the inside. I feel guilty that I can’t be there and be active in the lives of my family. I feel guilty that I barely see people and cancel on them. I feel guilty that my fiancé has to see me in pain, deal with my symptoms and my crabby attitude when I’m unwell. I grieve about the things I used to be able to do. But, I realize that I have to let it all go because it’s not my fault. 

We’ve all got something. It doesn’t even have to be an illness or disability. We all have things in our lives that are hard. 

Sometimes we get defeated. Sometimes we’re angry at our circumstances and feel sorry for ourselves. Sometimes we compare ourselves to others and get jealous of those that appear to have it easier. And that’s all OK, because other times our spirits triumph. Other times we choose to laugh instead of cry and choose to be grateful for what we do have instead of being bitter about what we’ve lost. Other times, we take everything we have learned in our struggles to help someone else face their own.

 We don’t have it all together all the time. We’re not supposed to. Be we do what we can. We do our best. 

So don’t be afraid to give yourself some credit and acknowledge your own strength. Don’t forget to give yourself the affirmation that you need. Whether you’re thriving or simply surviving, you’re doing your best. And you’re doing a good job. 

When life gives you shit, FLUSH it away!!

Xo

Steph 

 

Hello Gorgeous (& Handsome)!!

It’s the freakin’ weekend!! Woo hoo!! I went to pour my cup of coffee today and almost ran out of creamer….I seriously about had a meltdown….I like my coffee syrupy sweet, which includes: 1/4 inch of  flavored creamer with equal parts brown sugar and white sugar, and cinnamon if I have it. THE most important part of this is the flavored creamer….So I panicked because I can only have one cup, not a second, and heaven forbid, I can’t have coffee tomorrow until I get creamer. This enables a state of emergency. Many of you would say just run to the store and get some no biggie. But this requires normal clothes….meaning not pajamas….it requires makeup and/or a shower…and it requires dealing with all that goes along with going to the grocery….for a spoonie (someone with a chronic illness-I’ll post the link to The Spoon Theory at the bottom…it’s a very easy to understand story that describes what living with a chronic illness is like) this takes a lot out of you. So instead I’ll savor my one cup of coffee today and wait until we are out and about to brave the store!

Today marks a goofy anniversary for Steve and I, one of those non-monumental dates when we were dating that gives us an excuse to celebrate…so I’m planning an inexpensive date night. He’s not planning it because he’s way too indecisive and drives me bonkers!…..I have no idea what I’m going to wear….it’s difficult because I’ve gained weight due to health issues and bad eating habits so I feel like I have nothing to wear. You all know how that is….the struggle is real!

Check out “The Spoon Theory” If you have any questions, comment away! Also, let me know what you think! http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Left to Right: Buckeye, Bella, and Layla (Buckeye and                                                      Layla are litter mates)

XO

Steph

Hello Gorgeous (& Handsome)!!

Hello Gorgeous (& Handsome)!!

Welcome to Positively Beautiful Strength!  I want to be an inspiration to anyone going through a hardship whether it be physical, emotional, mental, or a struggle within yourself. I’m here to tell you to keep fighting, don’t give up! It’s ok to have a bad day. It’s ok to cry and scream. It’s ok to have a stiff drink. It’s ok to want to be alone. Whatever you need to do, DO IT! It’s just a bad day, not a bad life. Do what makes you happy, and who cares what other people think!

I have been dealing with Chronic Illnesses for almost a decade. Starting at about age 17, I started a roller coaster journey that has made me into the person I am today. Having 7+ near death experiences will make you treasure life to the fullest, learn to not sweat the small stuff, and treasure your loved ones, because you never know what tomorrow brings.

I’m originally from the Northwest Corner of Ohio, lived in Northwest Washington State for a short period and am now in the East Bay area of California. My fiance’ and I are ready to put down roots after his 6 year career in the U.S. Navy, along with our 3 dachshunds who are like our kids! Steve (fiance’) is my biggest supporter and as a team we can get through anything that comes our way! Having a fiance’ that is chronically ill does not faze him one bit. He treasures me for being me and wouldn’t want it any other way.

I want my blog to be a place people can be inspired to keep fighting in life. To  learn beauty tips for the inside and outside. Bargain shopping, beauty tutorials, fashion, family, love, and inspirational strength. And of course animal pics/videos!

XO

Steph